508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
