At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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