If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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