she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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