If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
