Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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