I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
