forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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