I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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