I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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