My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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