just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
