so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
