Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
