It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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