I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
