At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
