I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
