tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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