The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
