By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
