I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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