$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
