I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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