Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
