I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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