She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
