the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
