I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
