i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
