Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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