I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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