She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
