i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
