There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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