I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
