No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
