took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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