I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
