But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
