from now on my penis is your penis
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
