Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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