my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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