Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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