I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
