i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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