I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
