of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
