a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
