$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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