I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
