I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
